


hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable

by asians_of_shield



Series: Protect Peter Parker !! [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I cried while writing this, I have issues okay, INFINITY WAR SPOILERS I REPEAT INFINITY WAR SPOILERS, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Poor Peter Parker, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, SO MUCH ANGST IM SORRY, This scene broke my heart, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, its THAT scene from infinity war, sorry yall this is what happens after i watch infinity war, stop reading this RN if you HAVENT SEEN INFINITY WARR, they all deserve so much better i stg, ugh im sorry i was listening to hamilton and ..., ya know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 12:56:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14473221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asians_of_shield/pseuds/asians_of_shield
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR !!! STOPPP READING IF YOU HAVENT SCENE IT. WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW PLEASE DONT PROCEED IF YOU HAVENT SCENE IT!!takes place after my first work- not required to read though___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________peter had pieced together the broken pieces of tony like a jigsaw puzzle, with his radiant smiles and his sunny personality. but now? it seemed only darkness was here, with rapacious plunder and desire, snatching lives- innocent and guilty- it made no difference to it." i dont wanna go. i don’t wanna go, sir, please. i dont wanna go. "peter was frightened, pale and aghast as he was stumbling into tony’s arms and his body racking with sobs. tony just held onto him tighter and wished he could never let go.





	hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> oh my freaking god y'all. so i watched infinity war two days ago aND THIS IS NOT OKAY????? i cried an unhealthy amount during it and the scene with peter and tony BROKE MY HEART. like marvel i know we were wishing for a peter and tony hug but tHIs is NOT wHAT WE MEANT. 
> 
> so i was listening to hamilton yesterday on top of that,,, and this came out. sooo im sorry. its really repetitive, and ALL over the place- especially the middle-end, but i just need to get all of my feelings out lmao. 
> 
> also if anyone wants to talk to me about infinity war or literally anything marvel hmu in the comments ?? bc i have mANY feelings abt infinity war ahhh i was shook after the movie !
> 
> another note, this is in the same universe as my previous work in this series- not necessary to read it at all but if you want to double the feels and you could get a nice fluff fic and then FEELS on this one. sooo yeah- that's what i personally recommend to make the experience better but you all do what you want !
> 
> i know that many of the logistic stuff in my previous fic was very inaccurate now that ive watched infinity war- but imma just leave it. so sorry about that but i don't particularly want to change it?? just the thing that's most important in these fics is the dynamic between tony and peter you know?
> 
> okay im done ranting-enjoy!!

_ “sometime that thing you’re searching for your whole life is right there by your side all along, and you don’t even know it” -peter quill _

for years- though he never would admit it, tony had wanted a kid. tony had imagined, maybe, he could deserve a domestic life with pepper. chubby cheeks, toothy grins, big brown eyes beaming up at him and sorts. someone who looked up to him, someone who he could watch over and take care of. maybe, just maybe. 

tony had wanted more. just till recently, he didn’t think of the brown-eyed, wide-eyed kid who he already had.  _ peter,  _ earnest, sweet,  peter. peter, who never should’ve gotten roped into this. peter, who deserved so much more. it was only when peter was  _ literally  _ slipping through his fingers, he realized that he has peter- he  _ had  _ peter. 

tony always loved peter, would do anything for that kid, to protect him, but, it didn’t dawn on him that-  _ hey  _ maybe, peter really _ was  _ his kid. 

but now? 

tony is empty, but overwhelmed with the devastating realization, the crushing pain and sorrow and grief and fury that  _ peter’s gone _ , that tony was supposed to take care of him and now… now he’s  _ gone _ . he was supposed to  _ live.  _ he’s-  _ he was _ only  _ seventeen  _ years old. he didn’t get to say goodbye to his aunt- to ned, or that girl- to pepper, to vision, to rhodey, who all loved him so dearly.  

the looming shadows of death had tainted and grasped peter like an untimely foe, snuffing out his light- and tony had to watch it,  _ powerless.  _

tony would do  _ anything _ to see peter again, with his geeky physics shirts and wide smiles.  _ anything _ , but all tony can do is kneel on the ground, stricken with pure anguish, and distantly stare at the place where peter  _ just was _ . 

_ he was just there. just there.  _

all he can think of is how tony had looked over his shoulder to peter, how he swayed back and forth, stuttered, looking far too pale, saying  _ i don’t feel so good.  _ tony’s throat had constricted, thinking  _ this is just a nightmare-right _ ? peter was so young, he didn’t deserve it.  _ you’re alright,  _ tony had said, a pitiful reassurance mostly for tony to believe because  _ no, this could not be happening. not to peter.  _

how peter had stumbled- _ “i don- don’t know what’s happening”,  _ he had gasped out _ - _ and collapsed into tony’s arms. how peter looked smaller than ever, his face pressed against tony’s shoulder, clinging to him like tony was his lifeline. 

and tony, tony didn’t have any words  _ left _ , because all he could do was stare and hold this child tightly because he  _ knew _ it would be his last time with peter.  _ hugging him, cradling this small kid who was his.  _ because it was then that tony realized-  _ this is real _ \- peter will be gone  _ forever _ and tony- tony should have died. it hit him that he would never be able to see peter again, call him selfish, but  _ tony needs peter.  _

peter had pieced together the broken pieces of tony like a jigsaw puzzle, with his radiant smiles and his sunny personality. but now? it seemed only darkness was here, with rapacious plunder and desire, snatching lives- innocent and guilty- it made no difference to it. 

_ i dont wanna go. i don’t wanna go, sir, please. i dont wanna go.  _

tony’s heart broke and peter was _ frightened,  _ pale and aghast as he was stumbling into tony’s arms and his body racking with sobs. tony just held onto him tighter and wished he could never let go. 

tony began to memorize every part of peter- his embrace, his breathing, his eyes- sorrowful and filled with pure horror, his mouth uttering his mantra,  _ i dont wanna go.  _ and all tony could feel was crushing agony, staggering grief and heavy guilt- because this was  _ all tony’s fault _ . 

tony, tony had  _ promised _ peter that it would be okay. he  _ promised _ peter, that he would  _ always  _ be there for him- that he couldn’t and  _ wouldn’t _ die during the war. and, he  _ failed.  _

he had set peter on the ground, crouching over him, as he repeated his own words over and over again.  _ it couldn’t be happening.  _

all tony could see in that moment was a scared, small boy, not ready to leave this word because he was  _ seventeen  _ years old. not spider-man, not underoos, just a kid. a kid, too good and too brave for this cruel universe. 

and peter, he was diminishing into nothing  _ and tony couldn’t breathe because this could not be happening.  _

_ ‘im sorry’ _ peter had said- pale and fading rapidly. tony wanted to- he needed to reassure him that  _ no, peter, you don’t need to be sorry, im the one who’s sorry because i love you and i can’t lose you. you deserve more.  _

he held peter’s shoulders gently, as he tried to do  _ anything  _ to keep him from fading away. and the next thing he knew, peter-  _ joyful, beautiful,  _ peter, was reduced to to  _ nothing  _ but a small pile of embers, remains,  dust,  _ ashes.  _

and tony feels _ nothing _ , but  _ everything _ . he wants to scream but no words come out. his breath is caught in his throat and tears slide down his face. he faintly realizes that blue girl- android is probably watching him- if she’s not  _ dead- dead like peter.   _

how could this happen? peter.. he deserved  _ so much more _ . and now… there is no more peter, tony thinks, as he rocks himself back and forth trying to console himself- silent sobs shaking his shoulders. 

peter is _gone_. _peter is gone._ _no more underoos, or peter parker. no more late nights in the lab, no more movie nights, no more of his nerdy t-shirts, no more of his unbelievably stuttery and young voice- his beat up sneakers, or his dancing in the kitchen._

tears in his eyes, tony thought of the time when peter used to dance in the kitchen. he would twirl around the kitchen counter, spot a grumbling tony, and grasp his hands till he was dancing with him. 

the music would inevitably always change, sometimes it was twenty one pilots and green day, other days it was jackson five and aretha franklin. 

one fateful day, the anniversary of his uncle ben’s death, tony had found peter, looking so tiny, sitting on the tile floor and leaning against the countertop behind him, with tear tracks and puffy eyes. the music that morning was from a musical that tony would soon learned is ‘hamilton’. tony had sat down next to peter, held his hand, and let peter cry into his shoulder. the damp spot on his shirt had readily increased, and tony looked down at peter, and thought what did i do to deserve this kid?, as the mournful melody played as a soft reminder of how lucky tony was to have peter. 

days later, after a fervent and expressive explanation of ‘hamilton’ from peter, tony had decided to purchase two front row seats for hamilton for peter and a friend- ted, ned- whatever his name was. thus said, he was surprised when the absolutely exuberant peter, insisted on taking tony. 

a week later, and tony found himself sitting next to peter in the worn red velvet seats of richard-rogers theater. to say peter was excited was an understatement, as he beamed at tony more than ever and drummed his fingers anxiously on the seat for it to start. 

tony never was a fan of the theater, but seeing peter this excited was worth it. 

tony wasn’t expecting to be impacted much by said extraordinary musical. but, truth to be told, though he would never admit it, the words of the songs- the relationships of characters affected him like nothing before. 

during wait for it, tony found himself infatuated with the lyrics,  _ love.. death… life… doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes…  _ he thought of yinsen, of all the foes he had took the lives of, of the victims of attack crossfires, he thought of charlie spencer… and all the other lives lost… and now,  _ peter, innocent, saint peter.  _ death doesn’t discriminate...

the fast-paced spit-fire rapping of guns and ships, had him tapping his foot and history has his eyes on you related to tony more than he’d like to admit. he thought of peter and the ferry incident-  _ i know that greatness lies within you, but remember from here on out, history has its eyes on you.  _

and as the songs progressed, all he could think of was legacy.  _ would they remember peter parker? would they remember spider-man? will they remember me? _

by dear theodosia, tony found himself looking over at the wide eyes of peter beside him, and savored the moment. by the end of the song, tony’s eyes were glazed over with tears as he fondly gazed at peter. 

_ im dedicating every day to you, domestic life was never quite my style, when you smile- you knock me out i fall apart and i thought i was so smart. _

_ you will come of age with our young nation, we’ll bleed and fight for you...we’ll give the world to you and you’ll blow us all away....  _

_ look at my son, pride is not the word im looking for, there is so much more inside me now…  _

_ my father wasn’t around… i swear that i’ll be around for you. ill do whatever it takes, ill make a million mistakes, ill make the world safe and sound for you…. _

and now, looking back, tony had never related more to these songs. tony did whatever it takes, he made a million mistakes - but like hamilton,  _ he failed because the world wasn’t safe and sound for him.  _

and when burn came around, tony was a goner as eliza watched the letters be eaten away by the flames and sing her sorrows. y _ our words flooded my senses, your sentences left me defenseless.. _

and just when tony had thought he couldn’t be emotionally drained any more, stay alive reprise and its quiet uptown decided to join the party. as phillip staggered across the stage- tony felt it, he felt the grief of eliza and alexander.  _ the loss of a child.  _

_ there are moments that the words don’t reach, there is suffering too terrible to name. you hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable. the moments when you’re in so deep, it feel easier to just swim down… it’s quiet uptown… can you imagine _ ?

tears were trailing down tony’s face. and now,  _ he gets it. because it is unimaginable. peter and phillip- both young and robbed of their opportunities, their futures. and tony- tony, he misses peter already. and he would do anything to see peter’s smile again.  _

and the last two songs- the damn last two songs, the world was wide enough and who lives, who dies, who tells your story? and hamilton’s words before his death? they hit a little too close to home.  _ what is a legacy? it’s planting seeds in a garden i never get to see… rise up, times up, eyes up.... ill see you on the other side. _

tony thought of all his near death experiences, afghanistan, palladium, the wormhole, steve rogers… and now, thanos.  _ i hope they remember you,  _ he had said. 

and the last song-  _ who lives, who dies, who tells your story? when my time is up, have i done enough? will they tell my story?... it’s only a matter of time.  _

now, tony wishes more than ever to see peter. to see him  _ on the other side.  _

_ it’s only a matter of time. _

 

and it hurts,  _ it hurts so bad.  _ because  _ peter is gone, and he will never be back.  _

 

he promised peter that he would always be there for him and protect him- _ make the world safe and sound _ \- he bled and fought for him. but  _ peter is dead.  _

 

his kid is dead. 

 

what would he tell aunt may? ned?

 

_ there are moments that the words don’t reach. there is suffering too terrible to name. you hold your child as tight as you can and push away the unimaginable. the moments when you’re in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down… learn to live with the unimaginable.  _

 

peter is gone, crumbled to dying embers scattered across the rocky terrain. and all the world to nothing, because  _ peter is gone.  _

 

tony doesn’t think he will ever be okay. 

 

_ he didn’t even get to say goodbye.  _  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ,,im so sorry everyone... i just, i cant help it, this just spilled out. its a mess i know. 
> 
> i hope it made everyone feel some eMotions and hope that you all enjoyed it!! please let me know what you think (please do be kind though), because im needy for compliments. 
> 
> feel free to rant about all the feels or just infinity war in general because aHHHHH. 
> 
> thank you babes <3


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